Eerie, Indiana fanfiction: Housekeeping

[froodle]

There were screams coming from inside the Shunned House. This was not, in itself, an unusual state of affairs. Dreadful shrieks and the unearthly cries of things never meant to walk the world of man could often be heard behind the warped and faded wood of the front door or seeping out in the moth-eaten gaps between yellowing lace curtains. The neighbours turned up their radios and televisions and brought their pets inside, and averted their gaze as they walked to their cars in the morning, and asked each other why there wasn’t a statutory limit on the number of eldritch abominations a single household could own.

The Eerie Department of Infrastructure had constructed a system of runnels around the outside of the rotten and half-collapsed picket fence, where free-flowing water cascaded over a Blessing Stone and created a tiny but effective moat bordering the property. The raised edges were picked out in decorative pastel pink crystals of Himalayan rock salt, and when after weeks of consultation and several days of taxpayer-funded work, the resident cultists had complained about the colour scheme detracting from the character of the neighbourhood, the Department Chair had had to be physically restrained from punching their Master of Ceremonies.

Now the tinkle of smashing crockery mixed with the ragged howls of very human voices raised in a very human fit of pique, and the residents on either side of the Shunned House gathered their children in windowless rooms and played pop music to drown out the sound of domestic strife peppered with universe-annihilating incantations. Across the street, Simon and Marshall stood astride their bicycles and fiddled with the receiver on the spy radio set planted in the cultist’s revenant-infested woodshed earlier in the week. Between the crackle of static and the groans of the walking dead, it was just possible to make out the imprecations being hurled from beneath heavy face-obscuring cowls.

Marshall stifled a laugh as he removed the heavily-padded earphones and handed them to Simon, who shot him a questioning look before fitting them over his own ears. Open on his handlebars was a lined notebook containing the beginning of a shopping list and the Concise Study Guide to the Sorcerer’s Bible (the book itself was, as usual, out on loan and this was the best the Eerie Library had to offer in its absence).

Simon listened for a few seconds, his expression growing more and more incredulous. He closed both the notebook and the learning aide with its easily-digestible snippets of dark magic, and stowed them back in his school bag, pushing the headset back so that it lay around his neck.

“Unbelievable,” he said.

“I know,” said Marshall. “Just because the new dinner plates won’t fit in the dishwasher.” He rolled his eyes. “Even if they weren’t shaped like a reverse pentagram, everybody knows red clay from the shores of Hades with an infant-blood glaze isn’t dishwasher safe.”

“We should back up a bit,” said Simon. “I don’t want to be standing in the splash zone when they realise they can’t use them in the microwave either.”

“Maybe we should take these guys off our patrol route,” said Marshall, stuffing the radio receiver into one of the Eerie Examiner saddlebags that flapped emptily on either side of his back wheel. “At this stage, they’re more of a threat to themselves than to the fabric of the cosmos.”

Simon held his hand out palm down, waggling it back and forth in an “eh, maybe” gesture.

“Eh, maybe,” he said. “They’re definitely idiots, but remember when they summoned a lint monster to destroy the Eeriemat after one of the lay brothers tried to wash dry-clean only ceremonial robes in the regular machines to save a few bucks?”

“I remember it got stuck in a giant lint trap and they had to ask the Eeriemat’s manager if they could please have their monster back,” said Marshall. “He said they could take it as long as he never set eyes on any of them again.”

“But the point is, they had a monster,” insisted Simon. “And a lifetime ban from the only laundry service in town, which means they’re not just monster-summoning cultists, but smelly monster-summoning cultists. The kind with nothing to lose because literally everyone thinks they’re losers.”

“I get it,” said Marshall. “You’re worried about some kind of demonic Revenge of the Nerds type scenario?”

Simon shrugged.

“The Mayor thought they were enough of a threat to barricade them in their lair with holy water,” he said. “I guess I just think that if Chisel is nervous about something, it’s worth keeping an eye on.”

“Okay,” said Marshall. “They stay on the list. It would probably hurt their feelings if we decided to stop spying on them, and I don’t need their Grand Mage showing up at my house to ‘talk it out’ again.”

“That did get kind of awkward,” Simon agreed. “Your folks were pretty cool about it, though.”

“They’ve had a lot of practice dealing with Syndi whenever she wants to go undercover to research guerrilla warfare at the Bingo Parlour,” said Mars. “She doesn’t listen, obviously, but they’ve gotten really good at “I” statements and being non-accusatory and stuff. Apparently religious devotees to other-worldly horrors are easier to talk down than aspiring journalists.”

Simon nodded sagely, and the two boys rode away down the street.





Trusted Associates, Inc.

Halloween by froodle, in which Mars and Simon celebrate a Von Orloff-free All Hallows Eve

Surprise by froodle, in which Mars tries to make sure Simon's birthday goes a little better this year

The Glade by froodle, in which Simon and Mars visit a place that only exists on February 29th

Egg Hunt by froodle, in which Simon and Mars partake of some traditional Easter activities

Boardwalk by froodle, in which Simon and Mars are swayed by radio advertising

Lady in Red by froodle, in which Simon experiments on the old-fashioned radio in the Secret Spot, and horror ensues

Waiting In by froodle, in which there is an ice-storm and a handyman does not arrive

Seafoam by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the seaside

A Night at the Circus by froodle, in which a carnivale comes to town, and Marshall and Simon do not enjoy themselves

Taking a Break by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall enjoy some much-needed R&R

Model Railway by froodle, in which a new business prepares to open in Eerie

Shoreline by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall investigate strange happenings on the shores of Lake Eerie

Parade by froodle, in which Mars takes issue with the Eerie Beekeepers Association's choice of mascot

Homestead by froodle, in which Marshall finally gets something useful out of shop class

Hound by froodle, in which Simon makes a friend

Errands by froodle, in which Simon has a to-do list

Slyboots by froodle, in which a certain corporal of the infernal regions comes to Eerie. Crossover with Johannes Cabal the Necromancer.

Waterlogged by froodle, in which Eerie experiences heavy rainfall

Festival by froodle, in which Eerie's local businesses celebrate the summer

Strawberry by froodle, in which there is unauthorised hubbub in Eerie

Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach

Facilities by froodle, in which the Eerie Bus Station and Supper Club has a problem with the men's toilet

Anticipation by froodle, in which Simon and Harley look forward to the Equinox

Castle by froodle, in which there is unexpected architecture in Eerie

Visitor in which Marshall's grandma comes to stay

Euclid by froodle, in which Marshall and Simon investigate strange events at the Eerie Cemetery

The Hut by froodle, in which Simon takes on the forces of Eerie solo





Teller Family History

First Date by froodle, in which a young Edgar Teller shows off one of his earlier inventions

Popcorn by froodle. Friday night is always movie night in the Teller household.

The Teller Home for Displaced Youth by froodle, in which Edgar harbours some doubts about his new home town

Lawn by froodle, in which Marilyn Teller contemplaces some yardwork

Tornado Day, Revisited by froodle, in which Syndi learns exactly what it means to be Miss Tornado Day

Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach

Culinary Delights by froodle, in which Syndi's terrible cooking may or may not have been an accident

Camping by froodle, in which Syndi cannot sleep

Artist in the Family by froodle, in which an immortal creature takes a liking to Syndi

Without Due Care and Attention by froodle, in which Syndi finally becomes mobile

Waiting In by froodle, in which there is an ice-storm and a handyman does not arrive

Brunch by froodle, in which Marilyn does not appreciate Edgar's help in the kitchen

Handmade by froodle, in which the Tellers receive a Christmas package from Marilyn's mother

Poor Life Choices by froodle, in which Syndi loves her brother anyway

Lillian by froodle, in which Marilyn's mother has concerns

Visitor by froodle, in which Marshall's grandma comes to stay

Nap by froodle, in which Marshall has a quiet moment in the Secret Spot

Fresh Sheets by froodle

Tradition by froodle, in which Dash and Marshall decorate a Christmas tree

Hometown by froodle, in which Mars and Syndi visit New Jersey

Comments

[evilinsanemonkey]

omg i love this. i love this in and of itself and also the hints at past dealings with the cultists and SYNDI!

[froodle]

Syndi is much harder to persuade than cult members. Probably a good thing.

[deifire]

OMG, this is hilarious! And I love the worldbuilding in it!

[froodle]

Thank you :D