Eerie, Indiana fanfiction: Deterrent

[froodle]

The Eerie Hall of Records was the oldest building on Main Street that was actually a building, as opposed to a mass hallucination held in place by the will of the people, a ghostly façade concealing an entrance to hell, or a giant municipal meat palace hiding behind a lot of white-washed pillars. Ivy climbed in orderly rows along high wooden trellises, set back from it's red brick walls to ensure the parasite looked the part without doing any structural damage. Stone cherubs held slogan-less banners and crowned heads gazed sombrely from various cornices and curlicues.

Bartholomew J. Radford stood on the sidewalk in front of the faux-marble archway that lead to the front door, staring up in horror. Every single face was a cluster of iron nails, jutting out of the alabaster cheeks and foreheads and even eyes in a variety of geometric patterns. A car pulled up behind him and he turned at the sound of expensive leather shoes on the pavement.

"What happened?" he managed. Chisel followed his gaze and sighed.

"I know," he said wearily. "It looks like somebody vomited Cenobites all over it."

Radford shot a suspicious look at the wispy, semi-translucent ghost palace down the street.

"Are we..." he whispered, then swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "Are we in hell?"

The Mayor shook his head.

"No," he said. "Well, in a metaphorical sense of hell being other people, and some of those other people being monumentally stupid government employees, yes, but in a literal pitchforks and brimstone sense? No."

"Oh," said Radford, relieved. Then, "So what happened?"

The Mayor rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Pigeon spikes and petty politics," he said. "Someone wanted to stop birds from nesting in the façade, somebody else thought that this would curtail animal rights in the city, there was an argument about historical preservation and whether or not bird deterrents are in keeping with the original character of the building and the surrounding area, and..." He gestured at the looming edifice before them. "You can see what happened."

Radford nodded slowly.

"On the bright side," he said, "This is going to make a great attraction come Halloween. With most of the town's information being digitized, you could even free up enough space to make the inside into a haunted house."

"I could," said Chisel, gloomily. "Once I scrape up enough government funding to have them remove the Lament Configuration from the eastern wall."

"Oh no," said Radford.

"Oh yes," said Chisel. He fanned his fingers out, spreading his arms apart as he spoke, as though he were a ringmaster unveiling a new attraction. "'Come visit Eerie's haunted mansion! It has such sights to show you! Denizens of the underworld, please feel free to eat my entire tax base!'"

"I can see how that might cause problems," Radford allowed.

"I actually wish I'd let that group of students from the Eerie College of Art and Design take the job," said Chisel. "I know they put unicorns and those strangely irate surfing dogs on everything, but it would have been better than this."

"Probably cheaper, too," said Radford.

The Mayor nodded, his gaze fixed on a pair of skewer-faced angels flanking a tall lead-glass window that looked out over the street.

"At least if they'd done a tile mosaic that opened a portal to the demon realm, there'd have been money left over to fix it," he agreed.

"You'd have been investing in the future of Eerie's young people as well," said Radford. Chisel shot him an annoyed glare.

"All right!" he said, his tone cross. "You don't have to rub it in."

"I'm trying to help," said Radford, producing a small glitter-encrusted business card from somewhere within the infinite depths of his cardigan. Chisel recognised it on sight, and groaned.

"You don't have much choice," said Radford, not bothering to hide the smile that was curling the ends of his moustache. "Plus, you know that if you hire Syndi Teller, her father will insist on helping her prime the wall before she gets to work."

Chisel took the card, grimacing at the thick layer of sparkles that instantly adhered to his fingertips.

"I've heard good things about Things Incorporated's latest line of dimensional sealants," he allowed.

Radford gave him a comforting clap on the shoulder, using the motion to wipe his own pastel-smeared fingers on the Mayor's suit jacket in a way that was not even remotely subtle.

"Cheer up, Winston," he said. "Your office looks out at the east wall, doesn't it? Think of how much nicer your view will be with a forty-foot high unicorn front and centre."

The Mayor glowered.





Teller Family History

First Date by froodle, in which a young Edgar Teller shows off one of his earlier inventions

Popcorn by froodle. Friday night is always movie night in the Teller household.

The Teller Home for Displaced Youth by froodle, in which Edgar harbours some doubts about his new home town

Lawn by froodle, in which Marilyn Teller contemplaces some yardwork

Tornado Day, Revisited by froodle, in which Syndi learns exactly what it means to be Miss Tornado Day

Wildlife by froodle, in which Simon and Marshall go to the beach

Culinary Delights by froodle, in which Syndi's terrible cooking may or may not have been an accident

Camping by froodle, in which Syndi cannot sleep

Artist in the Family by froodle, in which an immortal creature takes a liking to Syndi

Without Due Care and Attention by froodle, in which Syndi finally becomes mobile

Waiting In by froodle, in which there is an ice-storm and a handyman does not arrive

Brunch by froodle, in which Marilyn does not appreciate Edgar's help in the kitchen

Handmade by froodle, in which the Tellers receive a Christmas package from Marilyn's mother

Poor Life Choices by froodle, in which Syndi loves her brother anyway

Lillian by froodle, in which Marilyn's mother has concerns

Visitor by froodle, in which Marshall's grandma comes to stay

Nap by froodle, in which Marshall has a quiet moment in the Secret Spot

Fresh Sheets by froodle

Tradition by froodle, in which Dash and Marshall decorate a Christmas tree

Hometown by froodle, in which Mars and Syndi visit New Jersey

Comments

[evilinsanemonkey]

I love Radford and Chisel's dynamic here! this is great!

[froodle]

We need more of these two town elders interacting...

[deifire]

The Eerie Hall of Records was the oldest building on Main Street that was actually a building, as opposed to a mass hallucination held in place by the will of the people, a ghostly façade concealing an entrance to hell, or a giant municipal meat palace hiding behind a lot of white-washed pillars...

This may officially be my new favorite opening line of an Eerie fic ever. And the whole thing is fantastic. I love Radford!

[froodle]

Sadly the thing that makes the hall of records so rare is the very same thing that lead to it getting clive barker'd while various power factions squabbled over it