To whom it may concern

Doctor Eukanuba took a seat beside the huge reclining dentist chair, a thin manilla folder containing a neat stack of x-rays tucked under one arm.

"Well, Mister Teller," he said, opening the folder and arranging the top two pictures side by side. "This is all looking very promising."

He beamed down at his prone patient, and the bright halogen light above and behind him illuminated only his smile.

"I'd like to schedule your three-month check-ups for shortly after the full moon," he said. "So we can make any adjustments to your retainer and ensure that both sets of teeth are growing as they should."

"Both sets?" asked Marilyn. "He's already lost most of his milk teeth."

"Yes," said the dentist. "I'm talking about his adult teeth and-" he glanced at Marshall, pleading silently around a mouthful of cotton gauze and quickly corrected himself, "...his wisdom teeth, of course. It's very important to catch any problems early, with molars that big."

"Oh," said Marilyn. "His wisdom teeth. Yes. Obviously."

"In fact," said Doctor Eukanuba, "Perhaps you could see my assistant about arranging the quarterly cleaning, while Marshall and I finish up here?"

Marilyn looked to Marshall, who nodded.

"I'll be right outside, honey," she said, patting his arm as she got up to leave.

"We won't be long," Doctor Eukanuba assured her.

As soon as the heavy fireproof door had swung shut behind her, Marshall sat up, already unpacking the gauze from inside his cheek and spitting out a mouthful of pinkish water.

"What," he hissed, voice only slightly slurred from the anaesthetic, "Second set?"

"Your... well, let's call them your supernumerary canines," said the dentist, turning one of the x-rays so that Marshall could get a better look. Sure enough, the image of twenty-eight square, blunt, human teeth was marred by a series of knife-edged shadows, right where Marshall expected the gum line to be.

"You can see that?" Marshall whispered, horrified.

"Mister Teller," Doctor Eukanuba said soothingly, "I may be the only dentist in town, but rest assured that you are not the only werewolf."

He twisted the x-ray back to face him, examining the jagged white shapes with interest.

"I assume you were infected fairly recently," he said. "Which is good, since I imagine a full transformation while wearing braces would be extremely painful."

He closed the folder, then looked back at Marshall, his expression becoming grave.

"I cannot stress this enough, young man," he said. "You must remove your retainer during a full moon, and you absolutely must not put it back in until it begins to wane."

"Why?" asked Marshall, instantly suspicious. "Did you sneak some silver in there or something?"

"No," said Doctor Eukanuba, seemingly surprised that he would even be asked. "It's because holding your teeth in place while you jaw changes shape is going to hurt, damage the retainer, and possibly cause your regular teeth to grow crooked."

"Oh," said Marshall.

"Not to worry," said the dentist, tossing the file onto his desk and reaching for the glass jar of lollipops. "As I say, you're not my first lycanthrope, and my other patients all have strong, healthy bites during their furrier times of the month."

He held out the bright coloured candies, but Marshall shook his head.

"Ah," said the dentist. "Perhaps you'd prefer a chew stick instead. I find chicken is the most popular flavour, though I also have beef and lamb if you prefer."

He returned the lollipops to their previous position and retrieved a foil packet decorated with a smiling cartoon dog.

"Take a handful," he suggested. "For the road."

Ongoing Verse: CAT

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Ongoing Verse: WereMarsicorn

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Watch it here.

Broke my tooth while watching an episode of Eerie Indiana about a spooky dentist!

— Tony Basketball (@TonyWords) October 22, 2020

Welcome back to the Eerie, Indiana 2020 rewatch. This Friday, give your dog the side-eye and pray that doorknobs will be enough to save us. Ladies and gentlemen, keep the Canine Arrest Team on speed-dial, because it's time to watch... The Retainer!

The bottle of Doctor Eukanuba's All-Purpose Breath-Freshening Plaque-Killening Anti-Bacterial Mouthwash (eucalyptus flavour, as if that was something anyone other than a koala would have ever asked for) stood on the edge of the bathroom sink, next to the hot tap, under the cabinet with the mirrored doors.

This was where it always stood, being too tall for the cabinet itself and too frequently-used to be relegated to the storage cupboard outside the bathroom, where pungent gift sets received in office Secret Santas languished in the dark behind the extra towels and the spare packet of toilet roll.

The label on the bottle was a drawing of the eponymous, and ominously-smiling, Doctor Eukanuba. In the picture he was leaning over a terrified patient who Marshall suspected was a slightly mean-spirited depiction of Steve Konkalewski. The legend "now floss!", in bold and bloody all-caps, was written beneath it.

Today that familiar image was almost obscured by overlapping layer of skull and crossbones stickers, plastered on so thickly that only the faint green glow of the liquid within let Marshall know that this was, in fact, his dental-association-approved mouthwash.

Poison or ghost-pirates, he thought. Either way, he'd need to buy a new bottle.

Ongoing Verse: Microwave

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Ongoing Verse: The Children

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The marvellous Vincent Schiavelli AKA Dr Eukanuba in #EerieIndiana 👨🏻‍⚕️🦷 AKA Uncle Enyos of the Clan Kalderash in #BuffyTheVampireSlayer 👱🏼‍♀️⚰️ pic.twitter.com/PngJuHLmZ3

— Return to Eerie, Indiana (@eerieindianapod) March 23, 2020

I will now be live tweeting the second episode of #eerieindiana: "The One in Which A Child is Eaten By Dogs"

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

I mean, "The Retainer"

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Second appearance of the "Better Weird Than Dead" catchphrase. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

How bad does that Giants sweatshirt smell if he hasn't taken it off in months? #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Creepiest dentist since Little Shop of Horrors. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

I love how Marshall has turned Simon into his person research assistant. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Don't eat Simon, stupid dog! #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

"The horror! The horror!" #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

First (off screen) death in the series: Mr. Dithers eaten by dogs. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Poor, sweet Simon can't hear anything. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Exit Steve, pursued by dogs. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Damn, this was a dark show. #eerieindiana

— Citizen D (@TheCitizenD) September 23, 2019

Welcome back to the Eerie, Indiana 2019 rewatch. This Sunday, give your dog the side-eye and pray that doorknobs will be enough to save us. Ladies and gentlemen, keep the Canine Arrest Team on speed-dial, because it's time to watch... The Retainer!

The Eerie, Indiana screening in Manchester is one week away, and I need your help, Eerie fans! What should I wear to this, surely the social event of the year? How shall I accessorize? To blunder here is to spend an eternity mired in sartorial regret,and so I turn to you to narrow down my list of options.

I've divided them into three sections: necklaces, brooches and pins, on the basis that I can wear a bunch of different pins and at least a couple of brooches, but only one necklace.

Before we begin the winnowing, though, lets take a moment to be sad that since this takes place in mid-August, I won't get the chance to show off the awesome doorknob scarf eviinsanemonkey made me, or the Loyal Order of Corn hat by LizzyLittleFish. To make up for it, here they are being modelled by by a rainbow sheep:





And now, to the choosing!

Miss Tornado Day and Eerie Trio necklaces by AcrylicAsylum. 3D sculpted anatomical heart necklace by AlternativeJewellery. Eerie, Indiana town limits sign by SoozysCraftorium. Camera, coil of film and blue Eerie, Indiana necklace with pink bat charm by Tatty Devine. Key with blue gem necklace by Eclectic Eccentricity. All the rest by Sugar and Vice.

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Better Weird than Dead brooch by Sugar and Vice. Poodle with bone and "be prepared" penknife by Tatty Devine. Eerie, Indiana bookstacks by HelloCrumpet. Husky by Acrylic Asylum. Eerie, Indiana/Z Nation brooch by SoozysCraftorium. Jackalope and Poe Raven by Erstwilder. Raven with rose and ravens on a branch by CherryLoco. Eerie, Indiana logo and Centre of Weirdness map badges by me.

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World o' Stuff and POP: 16661 pins by MattRyanTobin. Eerie, Indiana pin by Super Yaki Stuff. World o' Stuff button by diello. Pitbull Surfers button by me. El Gordo pin by DemonicPinfestation.

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So we know from the start of the episode that Mars going to the orthodontist and telling us the story of the Retainer takes place on Marshall's 45th day in Eerie. It might be fun to try and put together a timeline for all the events in EI.

From what I remember, not all of the episodes have a day # attached to them - the only one I can name off the top of my head is that Reality Takes a Holiday is marked day zero, for obvious reasons - but I know there's a few. As the rewatch progresses, I'm going to try and look out for them.

This is the second episode and the intro also serves as a kind of "previously" by referencing the ForeverWare ladies (oh my God, that horrible laughter - there's no need to get that excited about a pickle lifter, ladies), as well as what would become the standard for EI, Bigfoot and Elvis, before setting up this episode's foe.

Also, Fluffy, what are you going to do with that gun? You don't have opposable thumbs, you can't pull the trigger, it is of no use to you whatsoever, and it never appears again in the episode.

Could it be Betsy, Grungy Bill's long-lost gun? Did he bungle his twelfth/thirteenth bank robbery because dogs stole his firearm in preparation for the day they rose up agai.st humanity?

"It's probably wherever you left it" has got to be the least helpful parental non-response in history. Yes, it most likely is wherever I left it, but I don't know where that is, which is why I'm asking if you're seen it. I would have made the exact same face as Syndi. Don't be that parent, Marilyn.

Loving the drama chords that play and the dramatic close up of Fifi, the man-eating poodle. Oh Syndi. You are more right than you know.

Looking back on it, it's weird how much emphasis there was on you to have lots of friends when you were a kid. Edgar and Marilyn are all, "you don't seem to be making a lot of new friends", ignoring the fact that he's already become really good friends with the kid next door.

Later in the episode, Mars mentions that Steve isn't his friend, but still lets him come over to his house anyway. You gotta wonder if there's an element of pleasing and/or shutting up his parents concerns about his lack of friends in him hanging out with this kid that he doesn't even seem to like all that much in his own home.

Like, Simon apparently doesn't satisfy the criteria, maybe because he's younger, so he brings Steve by and is all, look, look, kid my own age, stop getting at me and making me feel like an isolated reject just because I'm not surrounded by a crowd of classmates the whole time.

Or maybe I'm just reading way too much into this. Anyway.

Dog, you're sleeping in the middle of the pavement. Don't get snippy when people need to walk past. You're the inconsiderate jackass here, not the random pedestrians.

Ugh, can we take a minute to talk about how horrible it is that Steve has to go over that the house of some kid that he's not even friends with, just so he can have a fucking sandwich, because his mum doesn't like watching him eat? Fucking Eerie, centre of shitty parenting for the entire planet, more like.

Second episode in a row that Simon mentions the Eerie Library. Last week it was old yearbooks, this week apparently their research is a little more esoteric.

Now I really want to know who had checked out the Sorcerers Bible before Simon could borrow it.

Also, Mars, get your own library card.

I really want a t-shirt with that aerial map of Eerie on it. That, or the one from the start of the episode with Normal and Schafer as some of the surrounding towns and a massive bright red WEIRDNESS stamped across it.

"Oh baby, yeah baby, oh, in my mouth baby" is literally me whenever I'm starving and sit down to a delicious meal.

Fifi, stop spying on the Tellers!

Are we all speaking Dog? I think more likely, the retainer lets Steve (and later Mars) read the dogs minds, and then their brains translate it to terms they can understand, ie, English.

I just realised how boring and frustrating this adventure must have been for Simon - he can't hear any of what's going on.

I am 100% certain that the dogs and cats in Eerie are waging a secret war against each other (secret from humans, I mean). Fluffy proved dogs can read when Mars shows him that magazine, and the pound has massive barrels labelled poison stacked outside it, coils of razor wire on top of the chainlink fences surrounding it, a sign that says no barking, the death chamber is in full view of the cages the dogs are kept in, and the dog catchers themselves are called the Canine Arrest Team. That level of psychological torture, it's gotta be a cat masterminding it.

also, the way Mars says "dogs check in, but they don't check out" makes it sound like thats the pounds motto, rather than Mars making an off the cuff remark.

I can't tell if that's supposed to be a real cat watching through the windows at the pound, or if it's a stuffed cat attached to the fishing lines used to lure the dogs to capture.

Whelp, Mister Dithers is dead. Or at least missing a leg. To be fair, he was in league with the cats, and being eaten by dogs pales in comparison to what the cats would have done to him in punishment for his failure to keep the dogs in line.

Ugh, the dogs chanting. The vehemently whispered chant of "Freedom!", "bite the hand that feeds us!", "doorknob!", "smash the chamber!" and the increasingly loud and menacing "metal mouth!" at the end of the episode - so scary when I was a kid, and still pretty creepy now.

And Steve panics, and runs, and the dogs chase him down and kill him and eat him and then Fluffy delivers his mangled retainer to Mars as a warning to keep his mouth shut if he wants to live.

Edgar tells Marshall at the end of this episode that he "lived to tell the tale". The fortune cookie at the start of No Brain No Pain gives Mars the same prediction. I like to think that the whole series is actually narrated by an adult Marshall, who sends his stories out into the world disguised as fiction, after getting increasingly frustrated and jaded about getting anybody to believe him about the centre of weirdness for the entire planet.

They probably believe him about the centre of shitty parenting, though. Jesus.